506 miles. That’s the distance we covered on our drive from Western New York down to Chesterfield county, Virginia. It was the longest road trip we’d ever taken with our kids (ages 2 and 4), and this time it was only one-way.
It’s an unsettling feeling to leave a place, especially when you have no plans to return. Rochester, New York probably isn’t on anyone’s bucket list to visit, but it was a difficult place to say goodbye to. It was where my husband and I started our life together as a married couple, where we purchased our first home, where we brought our 2 kids into the world, and where we made our first real friends as a family vs. as individuals. As someone who’s now moved 9 times in her life (not including the moves to, from, and during college), you’d think that I’d be used to the concept of impermanence. It turns out, though, that leaving is never easy.
When we think about the moves that define us, that upend our lives, that qualify as major milestones, we usually think about the BIG moves. But the reality is, the vast majority of moves are local (within the same county!), according to the figure below:
If your move is one of the 35% that isn’t local, you likely have a big task ahead of you. Sure, it’s exciting that moving, like travel, allows us to experience new places and meet new people. Your world expands in a way that it wouldn’t have if you had just stayed in place. But with this expansion comes the added burden of reinventing yourself. You’ll need to find new social circles, establish yourself in a new community, and get familiar with new routines. While moving in– and moving on– may be overwhelming, following are 5 things you can do to make the transition easier.
- Adopt an Explorer mindset. When you first move to a new place, everything is a discovery: locating the nearest grocery store, ordering your first pizza delivery, and finding the local park. While there’s a comfort in returning to familiar places, pushing yourself to continually explore your new city will help build your sense of belonging. Plus, the more local experiences you have (at restaurants or attractions, for example), the more experiences you will have in common with new people that you meet. Shared experiences are a great catalyst for conversation.
- Say “Yes” to invitations and meet-ups. Going out and attending events is a lot of work, especially in the age of COVID-19 and remote work, where many of us have gotten used to staying in. But in order to feel truly settled after moving to a new place, many of us yearn for local friends and connections. Barring other obligations, I’ve made it a point to attend any birthday parties or playdates my kids were invited to, and any neighborhood events by our HOA. Saying “yes” to invitations is the first step to giving yourself a chance to meet people. Joining local Facebook groups is also a great way to learn about any in-person meet-ups. While it may seem daunting to show up at an event where you don’t know anyone, just remember that everyone else is attending with the expectation that they’ll meet new people, too!
- Be patient. Just like there’s no “get rich quick” scheme, there’s no shortcut to feeling fully settled in a new place. It often takes time to meet new people, to grow acquaintances into friends, and to be able to drive places without using Google Maps. Don’t pressure yourself to make things happen because there’s no set timetable for any of this! Besides, if someone’s looking to meet new people they won’t really care whether you’ve been here for 2 months, 2 years, or 2 decades… they’re just looking to see if they connect with you as a person.
- Keep yourself busy. If you find yourself with extra time due to an empty social calendar, consider taking up a new hobby or pursuing that home project you’ve always wanted to take on. In addition to giving you a sense of accomplishment, hobbies are a great conversation starter and allow you to meet others with the same interests. Since you’re already reinventing yourself after the move, this is the perfect time to define a new interest or hobby.
- Stay in touch with phone calls and texts. With today’s technology, you can easily keep up with far-flung friends and family through social media. Viewing and commenting on their posts is a passive activity though, so try to engage periodically with phone calls or texts. This type of active, back-and-forth conversation helps you maintain a relationship with someone vs. simply becoming a spectator to their life online. You’re also apt to have more meaningful conversations when your words are private vs. posted on a public-facing social platform.
Like all good things, establishing yourself in a new place that feels like “home” takes time. Through the process of acclimating to your new normal, you’ll be building confidence, resilience, and sharpening your social skills. And eventually it’ll happen: You’ll feel accomplished when you tell someone you’ve lived here for 5 years, you’ll be advising newcomers on the best pizza place in town, or you’ll know exactly what alternate routes to take if you unexpectedly hit traffic. Before long you’ll feel so comfortable that you may even be thinking about your next move… though more than likely, it’ll be a local one!
Alaina Wong-Canissario 